I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
