dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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