Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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