Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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