Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
