Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
