So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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