Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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