you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
