maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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