so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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