I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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