and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
