my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
