there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
