she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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