i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
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Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge