i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.