worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?