I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
