I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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