I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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