im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
