He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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