i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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