The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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