I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think my mom watched the whole time
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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