I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
