Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
please don't ironically join a cult
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