I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green