he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
