I'm going to jail i love you
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
