I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
