Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
