i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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