She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
