i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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