Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
