I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
