We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
