this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
