i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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