I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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