I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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