Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
