fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
its liver damage thursday
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
