every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
