i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
