So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
