The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
