They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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