Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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