I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers