can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
