Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
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dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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