it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
