Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
