I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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