we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
