I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
